I came to my xanga page & found that its completely messed up AND it says my subscription will end on December 26th, 2013…even though I’m a paid subscriber!?? What the heck, Xanga!?

And so am I….

I’m quite saddened to learn we could possibly lose xanga. I have 9 years worth of posts from pregnancy, children, marriage, and daily struggles with eds. I’ve laughed with so many amazing people, cried with them, sent encouragement, received encouragement….the list is endless. I hate to see it go.

I wonder what will happen to the premium users who are paid up for the next 6 months??? Is Xanga going to be REFUNDING the money??? Does anyone know?

I just went & archived my posts. I didn’t realize I had not archived anything since 2007. So many things have changed since then! I’m going to miss so many of my fellow xangians. I have added some to my fb that have been with me from day one….women I would trust with my deepest secrets & life if it came down to it. I would do the same for them. I love my ladies & wonder… where will he confide in each other now… I mean besides FB which is far too public to post about… well… things we’ve posted here! lol

I got rid of strep throat, then E & myself ended up with flu. I’m stuck at 154lbs, even with flu… Bummer. I was hoping to be in the 140s after all this sickness. Is that wrong?

Strep throat with an abscessed right tonsil. Drs & nurses wanted to see this rare anomaly…they dont see it often in the smaller cities. Lol
One nurse cried for me when she saw it.
Not the best wt. Loss method…but effective for sure. I’m down 8lbs in a week.

So many thoughts running inside my head. The man I married became so cold & only pushed me away. It made me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly inside and out. How was it that I became unable to satisfy my husband who is 27 years older than me…?

I ran into an old friend. A best friend…whom has always been there for me during hard times & good. He was always so kind. He was ready to help people out at the drop of a hat, no matter how horribly people treated him…he would still go to their rescue.

I learned back in August 2012, that he and his wife were separated again. Only this time, he said it was for good. I could see from the look in his eyes, he meant it this time. They have two children together, so I’d hoped they would have made it. Unfortunately, it seemed they were as oil and water, many could see they wouldn’t mix. They had a good run & lasted 14 years. They were high school sweethearts.

There came a night I was alone and needed someone to talk to. I couldn’t call Jeff. We had so many fights, I shut down toward him completely. We were no longer a couple, but rather two people coexisting under the same roof. The kids saw we were no longer speaking. If he did speak to me, it ended in a fight. Kids would end up crying, screaming at him to leave. In my mind, there was no longer a marriage. It was over. I decided we were officially separated after some rotten & hurtful things he said to me in front of the kids.

It was late. The sun had set, and a full moon glistened in the night sky. I smiled up at it as I sat on a wooden chair in the garden. I replayed the last 10 years Jeff and I had been together in my mind. I questioned how we reached this place in our relationship. I knew after the last fight, there was no chance we would ever reconcile. It was over. Completely and truly over.

The following night, I repeated my reminiscing in the garden as the children slept. I slipped my hands into my jacket pocket to find my phone. I paced from one end of the garden to the other gazing all around me. I was taking in the beautiful silvery hue the full moon cast all around me. I looked up at the moon & smiled. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. As I exhaled, I slowly opened my eyes, and looked down at the cell phone in my hand. It was the moment I decided…I was tired of being alone. Tired of fighting. I was completely done with my marriage and decided I wouldn’t look back. I pushed the button to illuminate the information on my phone. I pulled the phone number out of my other jacket pocket. I walked over to the wooden chair in the garden, sat down, and took a deep breath in. I dialed the number on the paper. It was R’s number. My best friend of 15 years. The one man I knew would drop everything in a heartbeat, to come to my rescue…if I made one call.

Earlier that month we were at the park & our five children played as he and I conversed. He confided in me he had had feelings for me since high school, but thought I was out of his league. He felt I was too good for him and always dated my friends instead. I was also in a long term relationship with a young man then. N and I dated for 3.5 years. We almost married. He seemed terrified in what he confided in me. I could see he wanted to know what I thought of his confession. I stayed quiet for a long time. I contemplated what to say. I was stunned that my long time secret crush, had also secretly crushed on me during school. I could no longer keep him in suspense. I locked eyes with him and smiled. “I always secretly had feelings for you also, but because you were a jock, felt there wasn’t a chance you would ever want to be with me…I was just the bff you talked to & asked advice about things.” His pale, icy, blue eyes widened in shock. He leaned forward and braced himself on the park table. His eyes suddenly sparkled like never before, as a huge smile crossed his face. His eyes were smiling. We were both too terrified & involved with other people for years to realize, we had feelings for each other. Not only as bff’s, but as lovers do.

He’s a man built physically strong with muscular arms the size of my thighs, ginger-reddish colored hair, the most amazing pale blue eyes a woman could ever set eyes on. His features alone are that of a model in a magazine. With this amazing face, eyes and body, came the most infectious, hearty, genuine laugh. Even in high school, it made me melt. I found comfort for years in hearing his laugh. On the worst days, his laughter would fill the air and give me reason smile one more time. For years I found everything about him so endearing. From the tiny dark dot in his left eye, to the smile lines that frame his beautiful eyes, to the scar he obtained as a tween between his nose & upper lip. I had spent years studying this man to the finest of details. How did I miss this man’s true feelings for me all these years? I suppose I was so lost in my own problems, I viewed him as my confidant, solely the bff I could share my secrets with & know they would be safe. 

Suddenly my mind filled with all the years we had lost because he was married and so was I. Years we could have had together. The thoughts filled my mind of what could have been? If we had only spoken up…would we have had two children or five? Maybe more? Would we have been in the same situation, on divorces door? I had a hard time processing it all.

I sat in the garden, replaying our conversations leading up to this point. To this moment which I had realized life is too short to be wasted. I held my breath with an excited anticipation. I couldn’t wait to hear my best friend on the other end of the phone. The man who brought so much comfort to my heart over the years…the man who said he had feelings for me also…

I heard a slow, drawn out, “Hello?” on the other end. I excitedly pulled my legs up onto the wooden chair under me. “Hi!” I happily replied. I heard him take a breath and excitedly reply, “Hi, baby. How are you?”

The conversation lasted for hours. We had many laughs, serious moments, and moments remembering the past. R told me he was going to have to get ready for work soon. My heart dropped. I wanted to test him. I wanted to know if he really meant what he said… would he do anything, for me?

“R? I…there’s a beautiful moon out tonight. I wish you were with me to view it…” I said. He stumbled over his words. He replied back almost with a whine in his voice, “Joooo! Oh my go…sh! Are you… I mean… You want me to come over? I have to be to work soon, Joooo! Really?!” I chuckled & told him he didn’t have to come over, but it was a shame I was the only one able to view the moon’s beauty from the garden. He chuckled then said, “Oh my gosh….I’ll be right there!” I laughed, not believing he would do it.

Fifteen minutes passed and I could hear the loud rumble of a pickup truck from 2 miles away. My heart raced. I asked myself what I was doing. I pondered what I had done. I asked if I had actually made the call, then verified I had when I checked my phone. The sound of the truck became louder as it drew closer to the road I live on. I watched for a minute, then saw headlights shinning through the tall corn. It was him. Once again, this man came to my rescue…risking his job to be with me…even for a moment. He wanted to share the moonlit eve with me.

The truck pulled off the road.

Red: The color of love or the color of rage… Today for me…its RAGE…

How much pain can a heart endure, before it breaks & turns to dust…?

Happy New Year! Hope everyone had a happy celebration!

Anguish…pure anguish….